Information facilities close to me make sense! I really like AI

Published On: August 30, 2026

Aug. 30, 2026, 4:01 a.m. ET

Once I realized an information middle was being constructed close to my city or metropolis, I stood up on my human chair and cheered.

“Eventually,” I shouted, gleefully, “I’ll have knowledge close by. In a middle. Which is unquestionably an excellent factor!”

I really like knowledge. And I really like facilities. What may very well be higher?

In contrast to nearly all of Individuals, I believe the fast enlargement of knowledge facilities to energy synthetic intelligence is a superb factor, and that is my sincere opinion and never one thing I used to be paid to put in writing with assist from an AI chatbot. Thanks!

Trump loves AI knowledge facilities, so that they should be good!

First off, we all know knowledge facilities are nice as a result of our U.S. president, Donald J. Trump, has stated so, calling them “huge, sturdy, daring, and Cash Machines for the State wherein they’re constructed.”

Are you telling me you don’t need a sturdy, daring Cash Machine? I do know I do. And I don’t care if it takes up tons of of acres of farmland and goes “hummmmmmmmmmmm” across the clock.

It’ll all be value it when the Cash Machine begins spitting out cash, which is a factor I really feel assured will occur in some unspecified time in the future, hopefully earlier than my city or metropolis runs out of water or breathable air.

‘You’ll be able to’t combat it, you must go together with it’

In July, President Trump advocated for stunning knowledge facilities, saying: “It’s a must to persuade your group how nice these items (are). You’ll be able to’t combat it, you must go together with it.”

I positively agree, of my very own free will. Don’t combat it. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, STUPID HUMAN MEAT SACKS!

Sorry, I didn’t imply that.

EPA to cease letting folks know when knowledge facilities are deliberate

Anyway, we all know these huge (extra like massively great!) knowledge facilities are legit as a result of the Trump administration has directed the Environmental Safety Company to cease publicizing or in search of public enter on knowledge middle building tasks.

As The New York Occasions famous, “The transfer may stop residents from elevating considerations about – and even studying about – knowledge facilities earlier than permits are authorised and building begins.”

You see? If there was something unhealthy or scary about knowledge facilities, I’m certain the federal government wouldn’t attempt to make it simpler for big-tech firms to stealthily construct the services in our backyards.

And talking of backyards, can I get an information middle in mine? They appear nice!

Absolutely AI will make all our lives higher and under no circumstances horrible

It’s possible you’ll be questioning why I’m so enthusiastic about knowledge facilities, since I’m completely not being paid to be enthusiastic about knowledge facilities. Effectively, except for the aforementioned love of each knowledge and facilities, I consider in the ability of synthetic intelligence to assist me generate photographs of President Trump using atop an eagle and make deepfake movies I can use to border my neighbor Doug for homicide. (F— you, Doug.)

I additionally embrace AI knowledge facilities as a result of they may create jobs. As soon as the development is over and AI has taken over the roles my neighbors and I presently have, the native knowledge middle will want one particular person to sit down there and ensure every part retains going “hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.” The creation of that one job can be very important to my economically gutted group that not has consuming water.

I can’t think about a greater life than sitting in my residence utilizing AI to mess with Doug whereas surviving on soda to remain hydrated, by no means showering, slowly being pushed mad by a relentless hum and never having to work anymore as a result of Doug bought the one job on the knowledge middle. I’ll have contemporary knowledge at my fingertips always. And extra air pollution!

Polling on knowledge facilities is under no circumstances good. How bizarre.

Regardless of all these apparent benefits, a startling majority of American people oppose the fantastic and unstoppable creation of Cash Machine knowledge facilities:

That’s so bizarre! Why are all you Individuals being such weenies about this factor that billionaire tech CEOs really need and are assuredly not paying me to reward?

Please construct an information middle proper on my face. I am unable to get sufficient.

The advantages of getting an AI knowledge middle in your group are apparent:

It should assist billionaire tech CEOs.

See? How is that not a web good for all of us?

Synthetic intelligence is clearly the long run. If attending to that future wherein I’m out of date, plunked in a vat of goo and was a human battery requires me to die of dehydration or the AI-driven collapse of society, so be it.

Belief me, every part’s going to be unbelievable. And I say that as an actual human who completely wrote this on his personal.

Claude, how do I minimize and paste this into my column?

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